In Honor of Marriages Everywhere

Today is our anniversary. Want to know what we are doing for our big 5 year milestone? Ya, I would like to know too. If you see Clay, can you ask him for me? He is being pretty secretive.

Anyway, in honor of our anniversary and in honor of marriages everywhere, here are 10 11 things to remember during a pregnancy:

1. For goodness sakes don't tell your wife you want to buy her a treadmill for Christmas. She will not think that you care about her health. She will think that you think she's fat. She will then throw something very heavy at you. You will have to go to the ER, where inevitably you will have a pregnant doctor. And when she asks what happened, she will throw something very heavy at you too. You will then end up in a full body cast. Don't end up in a full body cast.

2. Men put the freaking seat down. When your wife has to pee like RIGHT NOW at 3am, the worst thing is to have to deal with trying to hold in her bladder, while undoing her pants, and trying to masterfully put the toilet seat down without having an accident.

3. Men always remember the phrase, "This too shall pass." Whether it's morning sickness, a mood swing, insomnia, constipation (well apparently I'm immature) etc, just remember that it's fleeting. Honestly, the best thing you can do is hug her, listen to her, and ask how you can help. I know you are exhausted, but peel away all the outer moods and we will tell you the truth. We think you are our knight in shining armor for dealing with us.

4. Under no circumstances are you to ever set off a mouse bomb in the house. Traps work just fine. Because when your wife gets a phone call at 9:00pm (when she has full blown morning sickness) that she needs to find a hotel, she might think about shoving a mouse bomb down your throat. Until, that is, you book her a very nice hotel with a king size bed and room service. She will forget all about your little transgression.

5. Men take some time for yourself. Go do something that YOU love. Go on a trip, go take on a hobby, go exercise. You cannot be everything for everyone all of the time. Recharge and you will be better for it.

6. Ladies, your husband doesn't get it. He will probably never get it. Give him grace in his ignorance. He loves you, I promise. And screaming at him because he is grilling fish won't help your morning sickness disappear, and it certainly won't help him to understand you better. Just calmly tell him what you need from him. He will be happy to help. Unless, of course, he gets a terrible flu a couple of months later. In the name of fairness, go ahead and grill up some chicken and eat that bad boy right next to him.

7. Life can become very baby centered. Take some time out of the day to talk to one another about anything other than the baby. And ladies, do something nice for your man every once in awhile. Because not only can life become baby centered, it can become wife centered. Shift the focus and talk about something he enjoys.

8. Ladies just remember we are not exactly our most rational selves. Because while it may seem like spending $50 on a planner, or $150 on a shower water purifier is a good idea; it isn't. I promise that tap water won't turn your baby into a green alien. Just ask someone before you use the credit card carry cash. This will keep your husband's hair its natural color a bit longer.

9. Ladies, sometimes your husband has more wisdom than you do. Ask him his opinion once in awhile and you might be surprised. I know the notion of "Mom knows best" starts early, but our men kind of rock. Let them show you.

10. Just get your wife the pregnancy body pillow. She is crabby and exhausted. And for your sanity, go ahead and sleep on the couch every once in awhile. Or in the guest bedroom. Or on a different planet.

And since apparently I cannot narrow anything down...

11. HAVE SOME FUN once in awhile!!! Laugh. Don't be such a dang fuddy duddy. That's lame and no one likes those people. Break and enter into an apartment complex, run through the snow, go and get a super sized frozen yogurt, and watch something hilarious. Your marriage won't survive if you can't learn to laugh at the little things.

There you have it. And if you are wondering, those things all did happen. Except for the full body cast. But don't be relieved just yet. We are only half-way through. ;)

Until next time!